creativeflow

making space

Sometimes it’s good to take stock of things and declutter; mind, body and soul. That’s what today is for.

Life has been an endless series of ups and downs lately, I’m pretty sure it always is. One moment I feel ecstatic and full of energy, the next depressed and stagnant. It’s ok though, I wouldn’t feel the good without the bad, and the craziness makes me feel alive sometimes.

“Depression is like a woman in black. If she turns up, don’t shoo her away. Invite her in, offer her a seat, treat her like a guest and listen to what she wants to say.”
― C.G. Jung

I’ve been trying to clean up and declutter my flat, it feels so full of energy, like it needs cleansed and regenerated. I know once it becomes emptier my mind will be more at ease. The mind tends to mimic its surroundings.

There’s a bunch of furniture here that I don’t want, there’s a room here that I never use cause it’s just full of stuff. It will make a good studio one day, once I get rid of a desk (though the cats been enjoying sleeping on it), a big bed and a chair, and get a big table I can sprawl various work all over.

I decided to try and have a relaxing week, not to drink too much before going to Estonia next week, see my family and friends but pretty much just chill n smoke weed. It will be a really busy week, we have been given a rough schedule but apparently most of it we don’t find out about til we get there/on the day. Which is super exciting for me because I love spontaneous living.

The new moon is coming, a time to release things, a time for death and rebirth. A time to set intentions for the month ahead, and I want mine to be healing and energising.

It’s the evening now and I had a nice afternoon, made some nourishing soup, sat in the garden and read in the sunshine.

Just got back from a walk to the shops, I got baked and wanted some munchies. There’s a really nice field with big trees and a nice view near mine so I went there and absorbed the sunset. There were dandelions everywhere and the purples are so vibrant today.

My poem today was written a wee while ago. I posted some of it on here before but as a long stream of thought. Since then I’ve decided of one poem out of it so far, edited it a wee bit (what a surprise!) and voila…

soft continents are what we need

we can visit the clouds,

bounce about with this energy building up within

i feel it more and more every day.

the feeling of not be drained

my soul recharging

lets follow it down the rabbit hole

the excitement and the creativity are linked

they fill me with passion and drive and love

they gather in my tummy and give me the butterflies

how did it take me so long to find this simple beautiful pleasure again?

sanity

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Only got time for a quick post today, don’t really even know what to write about today so here goes I guess.

Just got back from the beach, it’s a rainy grey day. My sisters, my dad, my niece, my sisters boyfriend and I all went to lunch today at this beautiful restaurant right on the Solway Coast. It’s an area that I visit quite a lot, the same place I went stone collecting the other week.

We had a massive meal and I had a pint while the others drank orange juice and non alcoholic beers. Played with the wee baby Lily a bit and Daisy the dog. My sister has the nicest family about. She is the most wonderful mother in the world. She was born to do it, she definitely acted as my surrogate mother growing up.

Later today I’ll be going to a festival at a community cafe in town. There will be a variety show which some of my friends are performing in, a sleepover upstairs as I live in a fairly rural area and a lot of people cannot get home late, lots of performances, including musicians doing a set in the lift – the smallest music venue in Scotland. Gonna head in soon and meet my friend at the pub at some point too.

Anyway Brian’s come to visit so best finish up for now. My poem sort of carried on from my last one about enchantments, it’s once again barely a poem but enjoy x

the dangers of attachment
manifesting desires
detachment is the way
to keep my mind sane

wild swimmin’

“Where there is love, there is no question.” – the label on my yogi tea

Wow i almost forgot to post today. Been very hungover due to a long day of swimming and drinking yesterday. What a beautiful day it was!

Had a lovely visit in the morning from a couple of my friends, got mega baked while forgetfully getting ready. Wandering to and from each side of the room aimlessly. After a while Katy gave me a lift to my friends flat, where we were picked up and the adventure began!

We drove from town out into the middle of nowhere, picked up a friend who just finished work nearby, and headed to the castle where there was a beautiful massive loch to swim in, the weather was warm and on the walk down to the loch I began spotting some mushrooms growing, unexpected as the season isn’t meant to have started yet really. This was a good spot for certain, mushrooms are magical.

I drank beer and smoked weed and wandered about looking for some mushrooms, found a bunch and took them all on the spot, they were pretty nice. Soaked up the sun, dipped in the loch and then we moved on to our next spot, the river, yay!

We drove to the spot where we were to meet a friend off the bus, was starting to feel a bit buzzed while waiting. Some nice chats at the side of the road were had and it was nice to see Lizzy again after quite some time.

The area is one where I grew up so it’s so lovely visiting these places again; nostalgic, and all the places are so beautiful. The river was near a big castle with large gardens, an adventure playpark, with massive slides and flying foxes and hills to roll down, and endless forests to walk in, with rivers and loch’s all about.

We followed a path down to a bit called the mermaid’s pool, there was a big rock in the middle of the river which looks like a place where mermaid’s sing their songs from. It was so spectacular.

We swam and some people dived from the rocks, bathed in the sun and dipped in and out of the water. I sat and stared at the clouds and the trees and the water, usually they fill me with joy and vibrancy, but this was a whole other level. Everything felt a bit more, in the loveliest way.

Eventually we headed back into town after the sun went down, it felt like I was back in Thailand, the night-time warmth was exotic and nostalgic. I wasn’t sure what to do now, either go home and relax and eat, go out to the pubs to meet a friend or go to Shauns. I chose the latter at the last minute, just sort of let me legs take me where my body should go.

We had a good night, pretty chill, I drank rum and we half watched the muppets: treasure island while massaging each other, which led to other stuff…

We both fell in and out of consciousness and eventually it was morning, it was warm but we cuddled and kissed and eventually got up. He asked if I wanted to go for a shower, I was hungover but thought it would be a nice thing to do anyway so we went and held each other and washed each other under the flow.

He was already pretty late for work by this point, so he walked me home on his way to work, and we hugged goodbye and wished each other a nice day.

Which it has been, I’ve just been chillin out since then with my cat, was planning on going to an open mic night but stayed in instead and had a day off from the booze.

I’m going to meet up with my sisters tomorrow, one is coming down from the city to visit. Then lots to do in town in the evening. So will probably head to bed soon, I’m glad that I wrote this post for today. It’s nice to have this as a memory to look back on.

Here’s a poem from a while ago, been a while since I looked at it, but hope you enjoy.

enchantments

The madness that love brings

you are a spell
whispering sweet nothings in my ear
until i fall under
mesmerised by your incantations
you will steal my heart
and abandon it in the light of day
this charm will be the end of me

It’s 28 degrees out and the sun is shining. That means one thing only – time to retreat to my sacred space, the river.

Submersed in the flow, it’s where a lot of my poems come from, the inspiration it brings me is amazing.

I felt myself going mad again last night for the first time in a while, the madness sort of appeals to me sometimes, now that I know it’s not something to fear. It is a part of me, why shouldn’t I love it?

Anyway I think my post will be short today, need to get out in the sun! And really only came on here to post that poem but then just ended up writing a bit which is nice 🙂 It’s a good day, everyone!

long days

part 1 – in the cafe

Today is a very antisocial day for me. I’ve been constantly avoiding walking past people, overthinking, not wanting to speak, feeling so full of energy. Some days it just feels like I’m extra sensitive, I wonder if it’s the weed, or the lack of coffee, or too much booze, or all of the above.

The creativity isn’t really coming for me at the moment so just writing anyway seems to be the thing to do…

My legs wont stop bouncing and constant movement is making me vibrate, the music that seems to be pulling me today is all very upbeat and grimey and a bit mad.

Sitting in the cafe at the moment, I know a few people in here but am avoiding speaking to them, when I leave it will probably happen.

Need to go to the pharmacy soon, I had unprotected sex the other night (which I don’t really remember much) apparently he came in me a couple of times, he was surprised when I told him my memory was patchy.

I remember arriving at his, his friend was there and they were celebrating his birthday, then my head jumps forward to being in the shower with him. A couple of vague other memories, and that’s pretty much it. My main memory is more just a feeling, it was fun. Apparently we did a lot, he says he’ll remind me of what when I’m more sober (as if that ever happens lol).

Anyway, it’s obvious that I need to get contraception I don’t have to worry about cause I am a bit of a mess sometimes, so hopefully the pharmacist will help me there.

Still it’s stressful, I feel like such an idiot sometimes, really bad at looking after myself. Constantly worrying about being pregnant is not such a nice feeling really.

part 2 – returning home

I lost the book from the other day, the Rupi Kaur one. The same day that it was purchased, I misplaced it somewhere between the Riverside and my home. Maybe it was meant to be… I read it all in one sitting so maybe it wasn’t something to linger on.

Back in the flat now, someone came over to look at the desk that belonged to Martin but she’s not going to take it. Would have been nice to just get it out of here already, maybe I should just give it away. Brian wanted it but he’s broke, as am I.

The pharmacist didn’t have the pill in stock today but he says to come back tomorrow thank god. He asked me all the questions so I just need to pick it up. He couldn’t give me the jag that I wanted for contraception the next few months, but I’ll go to the sexual health clinic tomorrow and get it there.

I’m supposed to be going out for drinks tonight, was meant to be going to the writing group in town too, but not certain if I will. Usually end up doing it anyway when beers involved though.

My mood has changed from earlier. It was grey like the sky this afternoon, but as the sun came out happiness came back to me. I got some beautiful fabric from the charity shop it will look nice on the wall, and some shorts too. Keeping things fresh is good for my mind. Constant new beginnings.

I’m listening to some sweet bouncy music now. Love them brass instruments and the lovely beat. Would like to go see them one day.

Breaking the Blues

So I’m sitting in the pub at the moment. Felt blue again this morning so thought I would have a nice day to make myself feel better. My morning was pretty chill, made a coffee and smoked weed for the first few hours of the day, then decided to head into town, the charity shops were calling.

Beautiful colours and patterns always make me feel better, they get me excited, and everyone always compliments me on my style (including myself I love my clothes), so charity shopping really appeals to me. Sometimes I wonder if I should get into making or designing clothes, maybe some day I will.

A big part of me wishes I had a camera, then it would be easy to show people the places I’ve been and the books I get and the quotes I love, but everytime I get technology I seem to lose it, which is very symbolic to me, maybe all this connectivity is not meant for me; constant contact, never allowed my own space and time, the universe is looking out for me and keeping me away from this. Still, I have the crappy camera on my laptop, and it’s easy to borrow a friends phone when with them. My alone time is just for me it seems.

James Blunt is playing in the pub and I can’t help but sing along. It’s such a cheesy song, memories come back to me of me and my sister singing it with all the emotion in the world when we were 8 and 9. The nostalgia makes me happy, even the bitter nostalgia. It all has a purpose and I can’t help but appreciate every emotion in their own way.

Today I bought a really beautiful book of poetry that I need to share with everyone. Rupi Kaur – Milk and Honey. Synchronically, a tab with that book had been open on my laptop for the past few weeks, I kept on putting off buying it for some reason and then found it in my local charity book shop today, displayed proudly, the first thing I saw upon walking in, placed at the top of my favourite section, and for half the price. The energy of life seems to always know what it’s doing, guiding me in the direction that is right for me.

Today I will share a painting as well as a poem. The painting was done quite a while ago during a beautiful art day with my friend Fee. Today I bought 6 mini canvasses, they are really cute and it will be exciting to put them to good use! I will share them when done, but for now a wee impressionist painting and poem will do! x

I like special places
private places
crevasses and holes
spaces with no need for control
places with rivers
places with trees
those left to grow over spaces
and mossy spaces
spaces where no one knows
spaces where i feel at home

Blues

“Someday, we’ll run into each other again, I know it. Maybe I’ll be older and smarter and just plain better. If that happens, that’s when you’ll deserve me . But now, at this moment, you can’t hook your boat to mine, because you’re liable to sink us both.”

There’s this blue feeling about me today. I don’t feel like smiling, the weather outside is stormy and grey… sometimes it feels like the weather changes as my mind does. I think there’s a word for that. None of me really wants to be writing right now or really doing anything. I don’t mind these days of sadness though. Crying is a release, the tears flow and memories are let go. Sometimes it is necessary. It’s all been blue skies and sunshine the past few weeks. How would you know happiness without sadness?

My mind feels confused and I don’t know what my next steps should be… it’s easy to just run away, but what’s right?

I picked some mushrooms in the hills yesterday maybe if I took them things would feel a bit lighter, or maybe I need to go through this as is.

There’s a feeling like spirits are watching me but at least I’m not alone.

I just want to disappear for a while, retreat into nothingness where no one can find me. But at the same time don’t want to be alone, I want to be protected and cherished.

Still its true, this too shall pass. It always does, the ebb and flow of life is a fickle thing. At least it keeps us on our toes.

Dancing is a good release, I danced last night for the first time in a while. There was a reggae all dayer in town. I ran into lots of familiar faces there, some that I’d prefer not to have, but these things happen.

What I’m gonna share today is barely even a poem but stream of thought, it is how it is.

I’ve been running around,
and running away,
lost and blind.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself
even though I have no cause to be.
Nobody has their shit together.

Introspection

So I’ve been mega introverted these past few days, I kind of enjoy it. Space to look after myself. I get so carried away with excitement sometimes I forget to eat for days, so time in my own space really lets me do things for me. Making myself nourishing meals, playing instruments, writing, watching tv, doing some yoga, catching up with friends and I especially enjoy just being alone to recharge.

After a bit of a hangover this morning, I had a productive day paying my bills and decluttering my space. My dad came and picked me up and we drove around the countryside in the rain and grey of Scotland. Talking about trees and places he went with his dad and generally having a relaxing time.

Last night was really enjoyable, I went to my friends house, they had been getting drunk in the pizzeria and making pizza and by the time I got there they were just finishing a bottle of whisky. We played card games and turned them into drinking games, shots of gin were the forfeit (of which I had a few). Bucky was definitely involved… for anyone who doesn’t know what bucky is, you are missing out (although I guess not really). It’s caffeinated wine made by monks and for some reason Scotland has made it the drink of choice (after whiskey perhaps).

Records were playing on the decks all night and we smoked lots of weed as per usual and eventually the other two left but I stayed behind with Sean. We had the loveliest time, we had sex everywhere… on the bed, the table, the couch, the other bed. Over the past few years I’ve had a few sexual awakenings, they coincide with my spiritual awakenings usually. And right now seems to be a big one! I love the energy and excitement within me, it’s so inspiring!

Before leaving my flat that evening, I told my cat that I’d be back later so made sure to return to mine around 5 in the morning as I didn’t want to be a liar, especially to my darling cat. Sean walked me home and fell asleep in my bed almost immediately. I followed not long after. I always tell myself to only stay out for a few drinks and it never seems to work that way, but at least the experiences make it worthwhile.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention I saw a horse today he was cute, he came running over all merry and happy to see us, tried to bite my dads hand when he got close though! Cheeky guy… and then he scratched his head off the fence like a wee cutie! Here’s a pic of him…

Anyway onto my poem for the day… written during a period of introversion.

oh the endlessness of days,
the sleepy sleeplessness
will the withdrawal ever end
will i ever see light again
or continue to shut myself away from the cracks coming through the blinds
another cigarette
that will do it
another cup of tea
another distraction
puffing away until the motivation comes
what an ironic trap
the shops will have to wait
those with the 9-5 grind
i cant be a part of you right now

Substances

Ok, need to be quick today. About to go get drunk so I thought this poem about cocaine and ketamine and all them crazy drugs would be appropriate.

I was remembering the feeling that comes from taking stuff like that; sitting in a flat at 5 in the morning, the sun coming out and the nostalgia. So I wrote a poem about the feeling.

I’m so thankful that I’m not in that place anymore where drugs are a habitual, nightly thing. Smoking weed and drinking are my vices at the moment and I can live with that, it’s better than my coke days for certain. Almost everyone has their addictions, whether it be shopping, gambling, smoking, drinking, coffee, controlling others, power… the list in endless. I feel that I’m exactly where I need to be right now.

So yeah, enjoy!

sitting in a dreamy haze
streams of gold coming through the cracks
time for more of my hearts desires
it makes everything sparkle
and comes with a longing
this world is unreal
the floor and the ceiling are upside down
sleep never comes
peace never comes
vibrations and buzzing are all that is
gleaming eyes
and dirty lies
this destitute life
where my dreams are coming true
why was this my choice?

streams of thought

Hey everyone, I’ve been trying to think about what to write and it seems my theme for today is energy….

I’ve been feeling super introverted at the moment, there’s so much electricity in the air I can feel it in my head and my body. The grey clouds make the world feel heavy and buzzing, and the full moon last night and all the planets are leading me strongly inwards. This conglomeration of thoughts seems to fit pretty well with the strong and wonderful feelings all around today.

I’ve been just jotting down wee notes that pop into my head lately on a sticky note on my computer. I realised it could make either one poem or many smaller poems. Thought I’d share it today, don’t know what else to post and can’t really decide which parts should be separated, I probably will later on once the storm has passed.

Not so slowly, but surely I’m making my way through the beer I got last night, it always ends too quickly. I spent today smoking and chatting with my friend Katy, we made some nourishing dinner and she left not long ago.

I re-read some things in my journal that were jotted down over the past year or so, interesting mushroom and acid trips or ceremony’s I took part in. I will post them up here soon, you can learn a lot from hallucinogenics if done in a thoughtful way and it could be interesting for others to see it from a first hand perspective.

Last year during tough periods I used them as a form of therapy, meditating and journalling and doing yoga throughout, healing from trauma that I had repressed. When done the correct way they are truly beautiful and eye opening… part of me wants to share my knowledge with the whole world in the hopes it will make everyone a bit more loving and accepting of themselves and others. But it is how it is for a reason I think.

Anyway onto my poem.. or poems. I haven’t quite decided yet, open to any suggestions anyway…

im a visitor
wandering aimlessly
through and away from lives
floating towards the new
life after life laid before me
for curiosities sake

its good
its bad
its all new

everything’s just pieces
endless pieces
how do I make them materialise?
baby steps…

boredom is my trade
excitement is my game

i love the feeling it leaves deep within me
when i follow it a maze of vibrations charge through me
i cant stand being predictable

soft continents are what we need

we can visit the clouds,

bounce about with this energy building up within

i feel it more and more every day.

the feeling of not be drained

my soul recharging

lets follow it down the rabbit hole

the excitement and the creativity are linked
they fill me with passion and drive and love
they gather in my tummy and give me the butterflies
how did it take me so long to find this simple beautiful pleasure again?

going out in nature
beer
music
sex
they all fill me with joy and creative energy

i have come to realise

what flows, flows
and what crashes, crashes

nothing remains static in the ocean
it’s all just cycles and rhythm

in the end we’ll crash to the shore
sink into the sand
and begin again